I Should Tell You, I'm Disaster
by MinimizeYourself
Summary: Nick has been meaning to tell Jeff the truth. The truth about his home, his feelings, the bruises on his arms. He just never knows how to say the things that are most important for him to say. Story 1 in Troubled Water 'Verse.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm really sorry for the horrible things I do to fictional characters, particularly Nick. At least I make it all better in the end. Title come from "I Should Tell You" from RENT.  
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**Warnings: Non-explicit mentions of child abuse, strong language, angst, slash.  
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**Disclaimer: Glee isn't mine.  
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* * *

><p>Winters in Ohio are cold and bleak and dark, but Jeff loves them anyway for reasons Nick has never been able to understand. He figures it might be due to a love of snowball fights, Christmas caroling with the Warblers, his mother's sugar cookies shaped like trees. Perhaps it's just Jeff's enthusiasm about <em>everything<em>. He smiles a little at the thought.

The snow falls in light flurries, sticking to their coats and melting away just as quickly. Nick pulls his navy blue knit hat down over his ears and wraps his arms around himself. Jeff has tilted his head up to the sky and stuck out his tongue to catch falling snowflakes. Nick nudges him playfully, and Jeff shoots him a questioning look.

"You're such a dork," he accuses, grinning when Jeff pretends to look offended.

"Well, aren't we a bit hypocritical now?" he replies, shoving Nick in return before flinging an arm around his neck. They both laugh and fall silent, trekking through the snow that's steadily piling up on the sidewalk.

Nick doesn't trust either of them to drive in this kind of weather, so Jeff had insisted on walking him home. He has this irrational fear that Nick is going to get mugged every time he goes out on his own, but it's sort of sweet that he cares more about Nick's safety than getting hypothermia.

Nick closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in the cold night air and leaning into Jeff's side, letting him guide the way back to Nick's house. He's exhausted after a long day of school, rehearsal, and dinner at Jeff's house, and he almost asked to stay the night, but the last thing he wants to do is overstay his welcome. Even if Jeff insists he's always welcome.

Jeff chuckles under his breath. "I'm not going to have to carry you the rest of the way am I?" he questions, flicking Nick's ear. Nick opens his eyes to find himself surrounded by wildly decorated houses with blinding, twinkling lights and giant, inflatable snowmen, as well as all the houses with full nativity scenes on the lawn and signs reading "Christ is born! Rejoice!" He gives a little snort, knowing that the inflatables will pop soon enough and there will be at least three missing Baby Jesus's by Christmas.

His house is at the far end of the cul-de-sac. It's the one with no decorations, no snowmen or plastic infants. The lights are off inside the house, and it's completely silent. He almost breathes a sigh of relief at that.

Jeff drops him off at the door, patting him on the shoulder and telling him to get some sleep, okay? He nods and waves goodbye. Jeff waves back, taking the walk back to his house and tilting his head up to catch snowflakes on his tongue again. Nick stifles a laugh.

He makes sure to enter the house quietly, closing the door with a soft click. He tiptoes up the stairs and past his parents' room, holding his breath the entire time. He rushes into his room and closes the door as quickly as possible without causing a stir. He locks the door and flops onto his bed.

He breathes out slowly.

* * *

><p>For as long as Jeff has been best friends with Nick, he's never actually been to his house. Well, he's been to his house, but never further than the doorway to pick him up for school or a Warblers performance. He's never been over for dinner or a jam session in Nick's room. And when he thinks about it, Nick has probably never even thought to invite him over because he doesn't spend much time there himself.<p>

He understands that Nick probably doesn't want to hang out at home. From what he knows, his mom is really stressed out and busy all the time, and from what he can guess, his dad seems like one of those workaholic types who's not around much either, always away on business or staying late at work or leaving early for a meeting.

It's makes him sad to think that Nick might not have any sort of support system at home. Jeff has always had his family. What does Nick have other than him?

And maybe he wouldn't be able to understand how Nick feels, but he can still be there for him, can't he? Isn't that what friends do for each other? Make each other feel better?

He's not sure Nick would let him make him feel better even if he tried.

That's why he doesn't ask about Nick's family, he just makes his own assumptions from the little information he's gathered. It's not that he doesn't care, of course he cares, it's just that he knows Nick trusts him enough to tell him if something was wrong.

He's not worried about Nick. Why should he be?

* * *

><p>Nick finds himself at Jeff's house almost every night of the week. And though they make jokes, his family doesn't actually seem to mind all that much. In fact, Jeff had once told him his mother had grown accustomed to setting an extra plate for him, and apparently his younger sister loved having him around.<p>

"You're like family," he had said, making Nick blush and cough awkwardly, pretending his throat wasn't thick with emotion.

Tonight they don't plan on actually doing anything, other than just being in each others presence as they often do. Jeff strums idly on his guitar while Nick lays next to him on the floor, his eyes closed, internally trying to guess what song he's playing. (It's not really that hard, seeing as Jeff only knows about six or seven songs by heart.)

A knock at the door wakes them both from their stupor, and Jeff's dad pokes his head in.

Mr. Sterling is tall, taller than Nick and Jeff by far, though he's not large or intimidating by any means. His hair is graying slightly and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses sit on his nose, and you can clearly see the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes that can only come from laughing. He's also the kindest man Nick has ever met.

"Oh, look, Nick's here. What a surprise," he deadpans. "Why don't you just move in and get it over with?" Jeff sets his guitar to the side, and Nick sits up, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them.

"How can we help you, Father dearest?" Jeff snarks in return.

"Your mother, and by 'your' I mean Jeff's, says dinner is ready. I guess we're feeding you now or something," he replies with a look of mock confusion. Nick represses a smile, because this is far from the first time he's witnessed an exchange of this sort.

"Weird," Jeff says, raising an eyebrow. "I guess Mom maybe doesn't want to scare Nick off."

"Actually, we quite like you," he says, turning his attention to Nick. "We're seriously considering trading Jeff in." Nick laughs, standing to his feet and helping Jeff up from the floor.

The trio makes their way downstairs. Jeff's relationship with his family is, for lack of a better word, the best. It's just so effortless, their unconditional love for one another, even if it's commonly expressed through sarcastic comments and witty banter, which is wildly entertaining to an outsider like him.

"Nick, glad to know you'll be joining us!" Mrs. Sterling exclaims. She's a pretty blond woman with sparkly eyes and a sweet smile. and she acts more like Nick's mother than anyone else ever has.

Mrs. Sterling has made lasagna, and Nick knows it's Jeff's favorite. The take their usual spots at the dinner table, and everyone immediately dives into conversation, passing and occasionally throwing food around the table.

Nick agrees to stay the night, after Jeff's mom insists it's too late for him to be driving by himself. Jeff rolls his eyes and whispers, "It's only 8 o'clock," to Jenna, who smirks.

"You know, Mom's right, Nick," Jenna says with mock sincerity. "Anything could happen out there. You could crash your car and then be kidnapped by a group of crazy cult members who desperately want you to be their sacrifice to the God of Rainbows."

"Hey, better safe than sorry," Mrs. Sterling says a little too seriously. Everyone at the table groans.

"Don't mind her. She's been watching Oprah and Maury and other things that sort of skew her perception of reality," Jeff explains. "She forgets that the most ridiculous situations are highly unlikely to happen in the middle of Ohio."

"Yeah, and then she asks me things like, 'Jenna are you having sex in dark alleys and then getting secret abortions from drug dealers?" Jenna says, exaggerating her mother's paranoia.

"Jenna, you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight," Mrs. Sterling says, throwing her crumpled napkin at Jenna and dismissing the boys.

* * *

><p>They sleep in the basement due to the various forms of entertainment and nourishment. Nick sits cross-legged on an air mattress on the floor, tossing jelly beans in the air and catching them in his mouth. Jeff sits next to him, leaning up against the couch and cradling a bowl of popcorn in his hands, throwing pieces at the TV every time Darth Vader appears on-screen.<p>

"I really love your family," Nick says, snatching a piece of popcorn. Jeff rolls his eyes affectionately.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure if we wanted we could have our own trashy reality show. But there would be less yelling and fighting and more witty banter and conspiracy theories," he says, stealing one of Nick's jelly beans.

"Still, though," he says seriously. "I mean, you may not say it to each other all the time like every families on TV, but you guys still know how much you matter to each other." Jeff looks up at him. "It's just nice, I guess," he ends a little awkwardly.

Jeff smiles affectionately and a little sadly at the boy next to him. He doesn't say anything, he just moves a little closer, positioning himself on the edge of the mattress and leaning into Nick's side in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. Nick doesn't say anything either , just rests his knee against Jeff's and touches his hand to Jeff's arm briefly.

It's enough for them.

Later on in the night, after Jeff has found his way back to the couch and Nick has curled up on the air mattress, Jeff finds himself awoken and unable to go back to sleep. He flips through the TV channels, narrowly avoiding the "adult movie" channels (_eww, hetero sex_, he thinks to himself), and shutting off the set and lying in silence.

And suddenly it's not silent anymore.

It starts with a small whimper. He thinks perhaps his mind is playing tricks on him, or maybe Jenna is just screwing with him. But then the small whimper gets louder, and then turns into a grunt of pain, and then-

"Don't!" Nick cries out. Jeff whips his head around to see Nick thrashing in his sleep, his long fingers twisting themselves in the sheets, his face contorted in pain.

He's not really sure what to do. He can't remember if you're supposed to wake someone from a nightmare, and if you are, how are you supposed to do so without getting injured in the process? Maybe Nick will just wake up on his own and then Jeff won't have to worry about it.

"Please, don't!" Nick pleads, whipping his head from side to side frantically.

Jeff can't just ignore him.

He slides onto the floor and crawls on his knees over to Nick's mattress. He studies him thoughtfully for a moment, trying to determine the best way to go about this. When Nick cries out again, he gives up the thought process and shakes his shoulder gently.

"Nick," he whispers. "Hey, Nicky, wake up." Nick stills for a moment, but doesn't wake, panting heavily and resuming his flailing again. "Come on, Nick," Jeff says, louder this time and shaking him harder.

"Stop it!" he says, and Jeff feels a pang in his chest at the broken, strangled noise.

"Nick!" he says, and the boy jolts forward, looking around frantically while still breathing heavily and looking absolutely horrified. Jeff puts both hands on his shoulders to steady him and looks him in the eye.

"Shh, Nick, it's just me. It's alright." Nick looks at him and nods, his breathing slowing down. "You were having a nightmare," Jeff tells him before realizing he probably already knows that himself.

"Yeah," Nick acknowledges. "Yeah, I was." He swallows thickly, taking a few deep breaths. Jeff drops his hands from his shoulders, twisting them awkwardly in his lap.

"Uh, what did you dream?" he asks tentatively. Nick drops his gaze and opens his mouth to respond, but he doesn't. He sighs, running a hand through his hair. Jeff puts a hand on Nick's knee, catching his attention.

"You don't have to tell me. You know, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or anything," he explains a little awkwardly, but Nick shakes his head vigorously.

"No, no, it's fine. It's just..." he trails off. "Just, um, a bad memory, I guess." Jeff doesn't ask any more questions, because he knows what bullying is like, and he never wants to talk about it either.

"Okay, well, I'm just gonna go back to bed, I guess."

"Wait!" Nick says, clutching at Jeff's shoulder before he can go anywhere. "Will you stay with me?" His voice is nothing more than a whisper, and he looks like he already regrets saying it. He drops his hand from Jeff's shoulder and bites a nail nervously. His lip quivers.

Jeff's heart clenches in his chest, and he wishes Nick wasn't always so afraid to be vulnerable, so afraid that Jeff wouldn't accept him if he was. He places his hand over Nick's trembling one, smoothing his thumb over the taut skin over Nick's knuckles. He nods.

"Yes," he says. "I'll stay with you."

Nick's head snaps up, his eyes growing wide in surprise. And he almost, _almost_ smiles, but then he just tugs on Jeff's sleeve, pulling him down to the mattress and covering them up with a soft, wool blanket. He fists one hand in Jeff's soft cotton T-shirt, the other grasping tightly to Jeff's own hand.

And then Nick is burying his face in Jeff's neck, and Jeff untangles their fingers and wraps both of his arms around Nick, resting one hand on the small of his back and the other at the nape of his neck, and he presses their bodies close, trying desperately to instill some sort of comfort in the other boy, who is still tense from before.

"Don't worry about me," Nick says suddenly, his voice thick with drowsiness. "I've had nightmares before. I can handle it. I just like having you close to me," he mumbles sleepily. Jeff's breath hitches in his throat, and he's not really sure what to say because all he can think is, _oh, God, did he just say what I think he said?_ But before he has the chance to respond or even process it, Nick's breathing has slowed, and his grip on Jeff's shirt has loosened.

Jeff smiles, and he would be giddy if he weren't so tired. He presses his lips to Nick's hair and listens to the sound of his steady breathing and his heart thumping in his chest. He looks peaceful when he sleeps, all soft skin and dark lashes and long limbs folded up into Jeff's embrace, with the softest smile on his face. God, he's so gorgeous.

He pulls the covers up around their shoulders and lets the steady rhythm of Nick's breathing lull him to sleep.

* * *

><p>Nick rides home with Jeff the next Friday, promising to help him find an audition song for the Warblers' next performance that will showcase both his vocal range and performance ability. Neither one of them truly believes the solo will go to Jeff, since Flint seems to have replaced Blaine as their lead soloist this year, but Jeff is still optimistic, and Nick is certainly not going to take that away from him.<p>

Jeff is lying on his back in bed, popping jelly beans in his mouth while flipping through his iPod. Meanwhile, Nick sits at the foot of the bed, pretending to be searching for songs on Jeff's laptop, when in reality his mind is elsewhere.

He has something important to say, something he's been trying to tell Jeff for weeks. He just doesn't know how. He never knows how to say the things that are most important for him to say.

Jeff hums along to the music, and Nick says, "I'm gay."

It's not what he was supposed to say, but what's done is done.

Jeff removes one of his ear buds. "What did you say?" he asks, his brow furrowing.

Nick sighs. "I said I'm gay."

"Oh, I know," Jeff says dismissively, popping another jelly bean.

"Oh," Nick says. He pauses. "Wait, you do?"

"Of course I do," Jeff replies. "I was just waiting for you to figure it out."

They're both silent for a moment, and it would be the perfect time for him to say the other really important thing that he doesn't quite know how to say.

Instead, he says, "So will you be my gay fairy godfather? Give me advice and grant me wishes and shit?" Jeff laughs out loud and nods his head vigorously.

"Of course. What are friends for, man?"

Jeff smiles and sticks his ear bud back into his ear, and he smiles sweetly at Nick before flipping through his playlist, and Nick wonders when he's going to stop being such a fucking coward.

* * *

><p>Something's wrong with Nick.<p>

Jeff isn't observant, not by a long shot, but he can see the changes in his best friend's personality, his emotional distance, the sharp tone in his voice in the past week. It all started around the time he came out of the closet. Or maybe it was earlier and Jeff is even less observant than he thought.

Either way, something wrong is going on, and he has to figure out what. And Jeff doesn't like to pry, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like.

"Is everything okay, man?" he asks Nick one afternoon while they're lounging in his bedroom.

"Yeah, totally," Nick answers casually, popping the tab open on his can of root beer. The part of him that's sensible thinks Nick is lying, but the part of him that's Nick's best friend says not to jump to conclusions. And best friend trumps sensibility.

"Are you sure?" he tries again. "You've just seemed...I dunno, a little...distant, I guess. Like, you know, emotionally. Or something." When did talking to Nick become this difficult?

"Yes, I'm sure. You're just being paranoid," Nick insists, not quite looking him in the eye.

Jeff nods. "Yeah, you're probably right. I'm just worried about you, you know? It's what I do."

"Yeah, well, don't," Nick says sharply, and since when does Nick talk like that? He's never, _never_ snapped at Jeff.

"Okay, I'm starting to think something is wrong with you," Jeff says, a little wounded. "Why are you keeping secrets from me?"

"I'm not, okay? God, Jeff, why can't you just mind your own business?"

"I'm your best friend! It's my job to make sure you're alright!"

"I didn't come over here to get lectured, okay?" Nick says, standing from his place on the bed.

"What, are you leaving now?" he asks incredulously.

"Damn right." He gathers his belongings into his arms.

"Come on, Nick, don't go-"

"Leave me alone."

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm just worried about-"

"Why can't you just stay the fuck out of it?" Nick shouts, making his way out and slamming the door behind him.

"Because I love you," he says softly, but Nick is already gone.

* * *

><p>"Because I love you," he hears Jeff say, and he tears down the stairs and out the front door.<p>

There's absolutely no way he can tell Jeff now. Not when he's made it so clear that _he doesn't want to talk about it, Jeff, stop asking questions, Jeff, stay the fuck out of my life, Jeff_ and goddamn, everything is ruined.

And not just because he's a jackass, but because how the hell is he supposed to tell Jeff the truth now that Jeff loves him? Really, honestly loves him? He knows that the moment the words leave his mouth, he'll forever be considered damaged goods. And nobody ever truly loves damaged goods.

And he wants more than anything to run back and throw himself into Jeff's arms and cry, _I'm sorry, I love you, please hold me, touch me, love me, please don't be mad at me..._

But that would be pathetic.

It's getting late anyway. He has a headache. Maybe he'll wake up tomorrow in a different world, one where he doesn't have to hide his bruises from the boy he loves, or, even better, a world where he has no bruises to hide.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey<em>, _it's Nick. Don't bother leaving a message unless you're Jeff, in which case you're probably already with me anyway."_

BEEP.

"Nick, it's Jeff. Please pick up the phone. I need to talk to you. I mean, I really need to talk to you. Please call me back."

He runs a hand over his face. Nineteen voice mails and twenty-three text messages and still no sign from Nick that he plans to speak to Jeff ever again._  
><em>

It's all his fault, he knows it is. He pushed Nick too far. He always does. That's Jeff, always pushing the limits right to the very edge, never quite jumping off and into the deep end. That is, not until today.

God, he's so stupid. He should've just stopped when Nick asked him to like a decent, respectable person would. But he didn't. And now Nick hates him.

"How many times have you called him?" His head snaps up to where Jenna is leaning in the doorway. "He's probably getting sick of hearing from you, especially after that little spat earlier."

"How do you know about that?" he asks.

"How could I not know about that?" she replies. "I heard him shouting obscenities at you. What did you do this time?"

"I have no sense of boundaries."

"Oh, my God, did you finally kiss him?"

"No, Jenna! I just care too much about his well-being or something," he says.

"That sounds like a pretty shitty thing to be angry about," she comments, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"That's not it. He asked me to stay out of it, and I didn't. And now he hates me."

Jenna laughs.

"Wow, thank you..." he says dejectedly.

"You're just so stupid," she says lightly.

"And way to kick me while I'm down. Bravo Jenna."

"No, hear me out," she continues. "You're being stupid. And not your normal stupid either. A different kind of stupid that makes you believe bullshit like Nick hates you. He doesn't hate you."

"You didn't see him tonight," Jeff protests.

"I didn't need to. I see him all the time, and I see the way he looks at you. You know, the way he seems to think you're the best thing to happen _ever. _And while I think he could do so much better than you, seeing as you're stupid and all, I also think you kind of need each other."

He smiles, and when did his fifteen-year-old sister get so much smarter than him? It's like that thing where each child gets progressively more intelligent than the previous one. What's that called? Oh, yeah. Evolution.

She smiles back at him. "Just give him a little bit of time, and he'll call you back. I promise." She pats him on the leg and leaves.

He calls one more time anyway.

* * *

><p>Nick wraps his scarf tighter around his neck, wincing when a sharp pain stabs him in the shoulder blade. He runs though his hair, realizing that yep, there is a bruise on his forehead. God, everything <em>hurts<em>. _  
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It's never hurt this much before.

His eye is beginning to swell, and his jaw is tender, and all he can think about is being slammed against a wall forcefully by his collar and two meaty fists pounding into his flesh. It was punishment. He's not sure what for.

He had to get out. He can't do this anymore.

He's not sure where he's going until he gets there. He stares up at the big white house with the bright lights and Christmas tree in the window. He walks up the driveway to the front porch. He rings the doorbell.

Jeff answers immediately.

Nick stares down at his feet and waits for Jeff to say something. He's starting to feel like this was a stupid idea and maybe he should go somewhere else because Jeff is probably really, really pissed, and Nick can't really blame him, but Nick also really needs him now, and what is he supposed to do?

"Nick, what's wrong?" he asks, and Nick doesn't look up yet, but he knows Jeff's eyebrows are knitted together in that way they do when he's worried. "Is everything okay?"

He sighs and raises his head, but he doesn't say anything. He tries to make his eyes convey everything he's feeling, which is mostly pain, but also remorse and shame and a lot of other things he can't quite place or explain.

Jeff lets out a little gasp at his black eye and bruised jaw and swollen lip, and he whispers, "Oh, Nicky. What _happened_?"

He was doing so well at keeping himself composed until right then, and then he can't take it anymore. So he closes the gap between them and wraps his arms tight around Jeff's neck and sobs into his chest. Jeff weaves his arms around Nick's waist, thumbs stroking his back soothingly.

"Jeff..." he whimpers brokenly.

"Shh," Jeff breathes into his hair. "It's okay. I'll take care of you."

* * *

><p>He looks at Nick curled up in his bed with his eyes red and watery, and Jeff thinks he's never seen anything so beautiful or heartbreaking.<p>

Nick had sat them all down in the living room and told them the truth. Jeff's mom had sobbed and iced his swollen eye and jaw, his dad had clenched his fists and laid out the air mattress for Jeff to sleep on, and Jenna didn't know what to do, so she kissed his uninjured cheek and locked herself in her room. Jeff hadn't done anything, just sat in silence and stared.

Now, he lies down on his side next to this broken, beautiful boy he's completely in love with. He trails his fingers across Nick's cheek, and Nick closes his eyes and leans into his touch.

"What are you gonna do?" Jeff asks. "You know, are you gonna tell the police or anything?"

Nick sighs. "I don't think I'm ready to do anything yet. Soon, though." Jeff nods, and Nick closes his eyes again, his head sinking into Jeff's pillow.

Jeff drops his hand from Nick's cheek and rolls onto his back. They lay in silence for a few moments when Jeff says softly, "Nicky?"

"What is it, Jeff?"

He swallows hard. "Why didn't you just tell me?" He blinks away moisture and swallows the lump in his throat. "Why did you keep it a secret for so long?"

Nick sits up in bed, crosses his legs, and stares down at his folded hands. "I wanted to tell you. I really did. I just kept getting scared right before I was about to." He pauses. "That's why I was so upset this past week. I kept trying to tell you, and I kept chickening out. And then when you tried to ask me about it...I was so furious with myself that I couldn't just bring myself to tell you the truth."

Jeff sits up and tilts his head to the side and touches his hand to Nick's knee. "Why were you afraid to tell me?"

"Because I knew that if I did you'd come to my rescue, and you'd take care of me, and you'd be _incredible_, but I didn't want that. I wanted everything to stay the same. I didn't want you to pity me, and I didn't want you to see me this vulnerable either." He lets out a little sob and wipes at his eyes.

Jeff laces their fingers together. "Of course I would've taken care of you," he says tenderly. "That's what you do when you love someone."

Nick's head falls onto Jeff's shoulder, and Jeff winds his arms around Nick's shaking shoulders. He presses his lips to Nick's hair and gently pushes him onto his back in bed. He pulls Nick to his chest and covers them with a blanket.

"You'll stay with me, won't you?" Nick whispers minutes later.

Jeff nods. "Of course I will."

Nick reaches out to card his fingers through Jeff's hair, but Jeff catches his hand first and presses an open-mouthed kiss to his wrist. Jeff can feel Nick's tears seeping through his cotton t-shirt to his chest.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just...I love you so much," he laughs a little and wipes at his eyes.

"I love you, too," Jeff whispers into his hair.

"I don't want things to be so hard anymore. I don't want to be so broken," he says.

Jeff holds him tight. "It's okay. I'll make it better. I'll fix you."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There you have it.  
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**How 'bout you review? Doesn't that sound nice?**


	2. Author's Note

**A/N: Hey, guys! I just wanted to let you guys know that I have decided to turn this story into a 'verse! Yay! I've already written the next installment in the series. It's called "Where the Love Light Gleams" and you can read it on my profile. If you'd like to keep up with the adventures of Nick and Jeff, please subscribe to my profile instead of the individual stories. **

**T****hank you all!** **You are so wonderful!**


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